Soaring Spirit
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Post by Soaring Spirit on Mar 19, 2012 20:16:54 GMT -5
Not too long ago, something very traumatizing happened to me. I was walking home and I saw someone who looked and smelled like an elderly homeless person. He looked like he was freezing in the cold so I gave him my jacket as a friendly gesture. He then gave me a tight hug of gratitude and he even started to tear up in joy. However, things took a turn for the worse when I started to leave.
As I turned around and started to leave, he told me he wanted to show me something. I knew that since he was homeless, everything he had must be very valuable to him plus I really had to get home or my parents would probably be worried about me. But when I said no, he insisted, and even begged for me to come. I finally gave up and decided to follow him. I had my phone with me, so I called my parents and told them I would probably be a little late.
As I followed the man, he complimented me on my beauty and kindness. At the time I didn't think much of it and just smiled and thanked him for the compliments. However, I started to get suspicious when I realized he was taking me to the woods. As we entered, I told him I really should get going and I tried to turn around, but he told me we weren't too far and that I would really enjoy it.
Eventually, we came to a fallen tree and he told me to sit. My whole body was telling me to run, but for some reason I sat down. He started to ask me some personal questions which really started to make me feel uncomfortable. But at one point, he touched my cheek. He slowly moved his hand down to my chest while asking if I've ever had my "first time". At this point, I stood up, sturdily told him I had to go now, then turned to run. As I ran he grabbed my arm and wrestled me to the ground. Once he had me pinned, he pulled off his wig revealing that he was probably actually around his 30s instead of 50s like I had initially thought. Needless to say, at this point I was terrified.
This part is really hard to talk about, so I apologize if it seems poorly written.
All I can say is he raped me. I tried my best to get away, but he just kept at it. I can't even describe some of the terrible things he not only did to me, but forced me to do. I don't think I will ever forget the terrors brought to all my senses. The terrible sights, smells, tastes. They still give me nightmares. The terrible experiences didn't end there either. My whole life changed after that.
After the man left, I had pushed myself so hard struggling that I was too weak to even stand. I ended up having to sleep in the woods that night, freezing because I had no clothes. The next day, I made my way back to my house where I thought it would all be over and I thought for sure that my parents of all people would believe me. I told them everything, and they didn't believe me. What they told me I couldn't believe that they would even consider I did. They told me I was probably just trying to get out of trouble, and that I spent the night at my boyfriend's house, doing these things with him. Needless to say, I ran strait to my room, and, although I was glad to finally be in the warmth of a bed, I cried most of the day away. At this point, I realized my whole life was in turmoil. My parents were talking to me like I was a slut, and they won't even let my boyfriend come anywhere close to me. In school, we don't have much time to talk together, because we only share one class, and that class has a strict teacher who doesn't approve of talking during class. I'm afraid to tell my teacher about what happened, because she might contact my parents and tell them, in which case my parents would probably just convince her it was a lie, and then give me even more punishment for trying to talk to my boyfriend behind their backs. They also confiscated my phone, so I can't call or text him.
Every night I have the same nightmare about going through that terrible night in the woods. Honestly, there was only one thing that kept me from killing myself. My boyfriend resorted to sneaking into my room through the window just to talk to me. It was really the sweetest thing he's ever done for me and it became a regular thing. Every night he would tap on my window and I would let him in. He was the only person who believed me when I told them what happened which I am very grateful for. I was really worried he would think I cheated on him and leave me forever, but I think this has pulled us closer than ever before. I can tell he's jumping through hoops to tell me he still loves me. He even brought me a rose and told me this tragic event didn't change anything between us and that I was beautiful, and that I was the sweetest girl he had ever met. This made me realize my life wasn't over and that I still had a chance to be happy.
Just when I started to feel loved again, my parents made things worse. A few weeks ago, me and my boyfriend were talking in my bedroom like we usually do, but this time my parents walked in on us. I swore to my parents that we didn't do anything and that we never did anything, but they refused to listen and now they boarded my window so that he can't get in anymore, so it was back to my depressed self.
Now, my window is still boarded up from the inside, and my parents are keeping a closer eye on me, checking up on me every night to make sure I'm not up to something.
Please if you have any idea as to what I could do, please speak up! I don't care how dumb you may think it sounds, anything would be helpful! Even just a word of support! I'm really desperate to be with my boyfriend again, as he's the only one who knows and understands what I'm going through.
I hope someone can give me an idea, because I have not only cried, but I have burst out crying while typing this. Please help me or refer me to some place where I can get help!
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Post by Zeke Wildfire on Mar 20, 2012 1:05:04 GMT -5
Hey. I'm Zeke. I've been around here for a while. Thought I'd check up on the site and this is what I find.
Don't worry; I'm a friend. Listen. I'm not gonna cut any corners; what happened to you was pretty bad. I'm talking seriously terrible. Your parents have blocked access to your boyfriend, right? You don't have ANY contact with him?
Spirit, if I may, I may not know what you're going through, but I have and still am struggling with depression. Anxiety and anger as well. If I've learned anything from my past experiences with it though... It's not worth it to just roll over and die. For one thing, suicide is usually painful. That's not fun. For another, people are going to miss you. A lot. You might even cause more deaths. Do you really want that? Friends, family, dead because you couldn't handle this?
You've proven that you're stronger than you know, just by typing what you did. I can tell you're smart because otherwise, you would be dead by now. You wouldn't have stopped to ask for a helping hand. You've got friends here, I'm sure friends outside of here, and family that love you. They may not act like it now, but think of what they're trying to do, not what they're doing. They're trying to keep you protected. They had to have believed you.
Take it from me. Don't ever, EVER, try and commit suicide. It's not worth it at all. At all. If worse comes to worse, and you really honestly don't think you can handle it... Try and get to a hospital. Somehow. Ask your parents to call, even call yourself. I've been hospitalized. It wasn't fun, but it definitely helped. It changed the way I look at life. My school, made for people who have tried to pull such a stunt, has done the same. You need a new outlook on life, from what I'm reading. Life can change easily. Everything has an impact on your life; it's easy to have everything change in one second... if you let it. You may not be able to control the past, but you do have the power to control your life, your future. Don't let one moment ruin your entire life.
Stop and think. What are you going to do? Are you going to find your boyfriend? Are you going to lay down and die? Are you going to keep talking to us? Are you going to call someone to help?
What are you going to do?
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Post by Blahsadfeguie on Mar 20, 2012 1:07:12 GMT -5
I'm terribly sorry to hear that. I wish I could say I know how you feel. I'm at least glad to hear you've given life another chance.
I've had difficulty dealing with untrusting parents before, over matters that are far less serious, but one can learn from it nonetheless. Here is the best advice I can give you: be patient. Remain calm and take the time to seriously consider your actions. Try to show your parents that you can be trusted. If you listen to them, it is only fair for them to listen to you.
I know this may sound outlandish, but if your parents tell you that you cannot see your boyfriend, then you probably shouldn't try for the time being. If you do happen to find the opportunity to talk to him, tell him that he should stop trying as well until further notice. He sounds like the type of guy who would understand.
Once everything has settled down and you've earned a bit of trust, you should try telling your story again to your parents. Don't hide your emotions while doing so, they are arguably more important than the words themselves. If they're really looking out for your best interests, they'll listen at the very least. If they still don't believe you, don't abandon the truth. The important thing is that you remain consistent, persistent, and honest. They will come around eventually.
I know this is a really tough time for you, but if you keep yourself together and follow through, you can survive. There isn't much more I can do besides wishing you luck, so, good luck.
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Willy
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Post by Willy on Mar 20, 2012 1:58:33 GMT -5
First things first... if your parents don't believe you, it isn't a reflection on you. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. Also... I know from experience that some parents are SO protective, and SO unwilling to let something negative happen to their children, that when something to this degree happens, they won't believe it. They'll deny it happened. No matter what happens. It's not them not caring about you. It doesn't mean they don't love you. It can be easy to feel trapped by a situation like this, simply because they're your parents. Like I said, I've had experience with parents not believing me. It feels like betrayal, but it isn't. Sometimes parents make things worse, and sometimes they don't know how to deal with things and they don't do it right. And usually, you have to listen to them anyway and do what they say because they're your parents and they said so. This is one of those times where you need help, and you need an adult that you can trust who will believe you.
If you have a teacher that you know you can trust, then you need to try to show them exactly what you've said here. Your parents may be contacted and asked about it, but hopefully the teacher will be concerned. Especially if you let them know that the reason you're telling them is that your parents don't believe it happened. I'm studying to be a teacher, and I know that in 48 states teachers are required to report cases of abuse and neglect. I'm fairly certain this qualifies as something they would have to report. At the very least they would have to make perfectly sure that it wasn't something they had to report. This is a serious issue and it must be dealt with seriously. If one teacher doesn't believe you, go to another one.
(Also, Nurses. Nurses have to report lots of things if they catch wind of them. If you know someone who is a Nurse, (and someone you trust. That's also important) telling them might also be a good choice, because with them it isn't just abuse and neglect. It's... a lot of stuff. I'm not gonna look it up and make sure they would have to report this particular situation, but I'm pretty sure they would. As far as I can tell anyway. There are also laws telling them they can't say stuff too, but that's another matter...)
Yes, I know I said warm and fuzzy things about your parents and then used the words "abuse and neglect". Yes, I know that sounds like mixed messages. It's really just the reason you need to tell a teacher, because you can get help that way. And you should. You said yourself you need help.
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Post by Aura Fox on Mar 20, 2012 13:17:39 GMT -5
This whole thing is terrible. I can't say I've had any experience even close to this degree, but I can understand how you feel about everything. Terrified, Confused, and obviously upset.
I can't even imagine how that man could think to do such a terrible thing. Not only did he rape, but he raped a person he KNEW was sweet and kind. I'm very glad you haven't killed yourself, you're a joy to have here and I'm sure you're a joy to have in reality as well. I would try to start talking to your usual friends, not just your boyfriend. You've probably seemed very distant, and if they ask you what's been wrong, if you don't want to tell them, you can just say "I don't want to talk about it."
About your parents, as willy said, the fact that they deny that this happened is only a sign that they love you way too much to see be able to imagine anything of this degree happening to you. If someone told them you where murdered, they wouldn't believe it until they came to your funeral. Now, there's no "funeral" for people like you, but I can think of one hope you have for proof that you didn't just get together with your boyfriend to do this willingly.
Take a pregnancy test. I know it's probably really scary to realize that there's a possibility that you're pregnant, but if the test comes back positive, it can actually be a good thing. Simply getting a parenity test after realizing you're pregnant would deffinitely prove to your parents that you where raped, then you'll get the sympathy you need from them. I know you would never do this kind of thing willingly with anyone, so there's absolutely nothing to worry about with the parenity test.
As for the child, there would be a very deep choice that has to be made. You would have to decide whether you want to raise it, or go for abortion. I know abortion sounds terrible, but really it's your best option. If you raised it, not only are you not ready, but you'd have to raise a child that constantly reminded you of the night your life spun out of control. If you aborted it, that'd be the end of that issue. Even when you think about it, abortion would really be the better option for the child itself, too. Don't think you're being selfish when your giving it away. Would you rather the big secret that he discovers when he grows up to be "We aren't your real parents" or "He's not your real father. You're father was a rapist."?
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Soaring Spirit
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Thank Jessie473 on DA for the Avatar! (Although I might get an actual Icon sometime.)
Posts: 60
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Post by Soaring Spirit on Mar 20, 2012 13:46:56 GMT -5
Thank you all so very much. I can't thank you enough, you have no idea what all this means to me right now! I'll try to take all of your advice!
Zeke, I'm glad there's someone here who at least partially understands what I'm going through. I'll deffinitely never attempt suicide now that I think of how my friends and family, especially my little sister, would react.
Blah, I suppose gaining my parent's trust would be the best way to go. But it will take a lot of willpower to tell my boyfriend to stay away for a little while. I'm just glad he's trustworthy and loyal, so I don't have to worry about him "taking advantage" of the situation.
Willy, I will deffinitely tell one of my teachers, possibly even my principle. Although I don't know if I can just go class-to-class talking to every single one of my teachers. I'd be an emotional wreck after talking to just one and being denied.
Aura, your advice could really help a lot, but if I put all my hope into it, it'll be a huge gamble. I'm not necessarily pregnant, nor do I want to hope that I am. But if this is really my biggest hope of convincing my parents that I'm telling them the truth, I suppose I don't really have much of a choice in the matter.
Again, thank you all for your help. I love you all like a second family. If I could hug each and every one of you right now, I would. Again, I can't thank you enough.
EDIT
I have taken a pregnancy test, and the test resulted in a positive. Now I really don't know how to feel. This lets me take Aura's advice in getting my parents to believe me, but I really just don't know what I'm gonna do with the baby. I'm also really nervous about actually giving birth. I don't think I'm ready to do something like that, and I'm afraid that something will go wrong because I'm so young... I'm just terrified about what's going to happen.
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Willy
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Post by Willy on Mar 22, 2012 15:02:56 GMT -5
Pregnancy itself wont prove that you were raped. Keep that in mind. It's possible that until you can prove that your boyfriend isn't the father, your parents still won't trust you.
Still... this means you need to get to a doctor. Now... I once knew a 13 year old who gave birth just fine. She was actually in a similar situation to yourself. I would give more statistics on the matter of the odds of there being complications because I had looked them up at the time, but seeing as I'm a dude who isn't a trained medical professional, this would likely come off as more creepy than helpful and comforting.
But you need to see a doctor. A doctor will be able to let you know what risks you are taking with whatever decision you make. Given your age, it is very much possible for you to have the baby with little chance of complication... but the opposite could also be true. Also, if you can explain the whole situation to a doctor, you can get help with the rape situation as well as far as counseling or whatever is necessary. It's easy to avoid doing things like this because you're scared, but you likely have some difficult decisions ahead of you. The best thing you can do is start getting information.
Also, until your parents are on the same page as you on this whole ordeal, don't let them push you to make a decision you really don't want to make. If they think this kid is your boyfriends, they might push you to do one thing, when it might have been best for you to do another.
You seem like a very mature person, and that may be the most important thing you have going for you in this situation.
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Soaring Spirit
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Thank Jessie473 on DA for the Avatar! (Although I might get an actual Icon sometime.)
Posts: 60
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Post by Soaring Spirit on Mar 22, 2012 15:32:07 GMT -5
A parenity test is all that I need to prove my parents that I was raped. They know I'm not the type of girl to just go around having sex with random people. Especially not at 15.
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Post by zantetsuren on Mar 23, 2012 17:44:44 GMT -5
While the advice everyone else has given you has been fantastic, I can't believe no one has said this yet. Go to the police. I'll say it again, in all caps, the biggest font, italics, and bolded and underlined. GO TO THE POLICE.You need to report the man that did this to you. I know it might be hard to try and remember anything about that night, but you need to tell the police anything you remember about the man himself. Haircolor, eyecolor, height, any distinguishing features like a scar or something, and most importantly the way he lured you to the forest, as he might try to use the same tactic again on his next victim. On that subject, the most important reason to go to the police about this is so they can keep it from happening to someone else. There's one more thing I'd like to say. "Aborting the pregnancy" and "raising the child yourself" are not your only options. If you think you'd be able to go through with the birth at all, and I understand if you don't, then you could always give the child up for adoption. That's all I can think of to say. I'm not too good at this, but hopefully what I told you will help at least a little. Last but not least, here's something to hopefully make you smile or even laugh: There is a 1 in 3 chance that my signature also contains something that will make you smile or laugh. (if not, just refresh until you get bees. yay for rotating signatures!)
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Soaring Spirit
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Thank Jessie473 on DA for the Avatar! (Although I might get an actual Icon sometime.)
Posts: 60
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Post by Soaring Spirit on Mar 24, 2012 2:40:23 GMT -5
Thanks for the laugh, Rose (it's really weird calling someone else that). Also, I kinda figured it'd be obvious that I would have contacted the police already.
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Post by zantetsuren on Mar 25, 2012 20:30:09 GMT -5
No problem.
It really should be obvious, but I do a lot of browsing on a site where people can anonymously post their secrets and let others comment on them. It is distressingly common that those who submit secrets about being raped have not gone to the police yet.
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Soaring Spirit
Traveled
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Thank Jessie473 on DA for the Avatar! (Although I might get an actual Icon sometime.)
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Post by Soaring Spirit on Mar 26, 2012 21:32:33 GMT -5
well, I don't really consider this a secret. I'd rather as many people know while I tell it as few times as possible if that makes any sense. Like I copied the first post in this thread to my Deviantart to get more emotional support.
Also, I'm starting not to be nervous about what I'm going to do with the baby (I'm probably just going to put it up for adoption.) but more so what I'm going to do with the actual fact of being pregnant. I'm worried people who don't know me will think I'm a slut or something when it starts getting noticeable. I don't want to be seen as a slut by everyone and it pains me that so many people will get that first impression.
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Post by Aura Fox on Mar 29, 2012 16:26:08 GMT -5
Don't worry. I'm sure your boyfriend will look out for you. He'll have your back and make sure nobody talks bad about you. The important thing is that you're a really kind and sweet girl, and you know it, and your boyfriend along with other friends will make sure everyone knows it, too.
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Soaring Spirit
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Thank Jessie473 on DA for the Avatar! (Although I might get an actual Icon sometime.)
Posts: 60
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Post by Soaring Spirit on Mar 30, 2012 1:33:46 GMT -5
Thanks... I guess I never looked at it that way... but still, my boyfriend can't be with me every second of every day... Edit: OH MY GOD, THE SWEETEST THING JUST HAPPENED A FEW HOURS AGO!! <33 I know suddenly I sound all cheery when this whole time I've been acting all depressed, but I have really good reason! soaringspirit1.deviantart.com/journal/What-cheered-me-up-so-much-293839425 Just take a look yourself! It's the happiest I've ever felt in my life! <3
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Soaring Spirit
Traveled
[M:340]
Thank Jessie473 on DA for the Avatar! (Although I might get an actual Icon sometime.)
Posts: 60
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Post by Soaring Spirit on Apr 13, 2012 16:05:16 GMT -5
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Post by Digizel on May 10, 2012 14:12:26 GMT -5
...For some reason, I hadn't even noticed this thread until today.
I would like to start by saying that I am really feeling the deepest sympathy I think I've ever felt before...and I don't even know you that well.
But other than that, I know it's late and I know what your real problem is at this stage. And I would just like to say that, although your boyfriend has a hard time being with you, he can still be there for you in other ways.
Have you tried writing notes to him? You can prepare a note before-hand and give it to him after class lets out, before you separate again. Or hell, it could even work before and during class if you're sitting near each other. I know it's not the same, but it's still a good method of communication. Assuming that you haven't already started doing that.
However, another idea is to use the Internet. Pass him the url to this site or to your Deviantart. Both sites have a method of one on one communication where you'll have complete privacy in your conversations. Or, you can create your own Titanpad so you can get more...real-time conversations.
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Soaring Spirit
Traveled
[M:340]
Thank Jessie473 on DA for the Avatar! (Although I might get an actual Icon sometime.)
Posts: 60
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Post by Soaring Spirit on May 10, 2012 22:44:15 GMT -5
You're a little out-of-date, my friend. Things are looking up now, if you pay attention to my journals on DA, you'd know my parents believe me now and I can talk with everyone again. Now... my only problem is giving birth... I know I still have another whole month... but I just can't help but worry about it... It's supposed to be the worst pain to ever go through... and I'm not even going to keep the child...
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Post by Blahsadfeguie on May 11, 2012 15:21:25 GMT -5
Wait what? "Another whole month"? Are you planning on having the child only 3 months after it was conceived?
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Soaring Spirit
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Thank Jessie473 on DA for the Avatar! (Although I might get an actual Icon sometime.)
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Post by Soaring Spirit on May 11, 2012 19:14:32 GMT -5
Huh?
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Post by Blahsadfeguie on May 11, 2012 19:45:20 GMT -5
You seem to be implying that you will be going through childbirth next month, although the incident presumably happened in March. I'm rather confused. Did I miss something or did I misunderstand your post?
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